almost 15 years later me and my mom are back to the place where we had another sincere talk, much less positive, though

back then, in 2009 i was 20 y.o. and i couldn't find strength to pick up the opportunity i was given, and largerly achieved by myself: i moved to Lyon, one of the greatest cities in France, flourishing and inspiring. it still had quite stereotypical perseption of France, "la vie en rose" 

after having lived a few months in Lyon, i started feeling unfitting to the environment surrounding me. i wasn't flexible enough, not enough experienced. i still suffered from a depression after the coming-out to my parents. cultural shock transformed gradually into ill nostalgia. the university spiraled out of control and i wasn't able to catch up with the studies program. my level of knowledge was simply not sufficient and i have never been a good student.. 

things were going wrong. i felt i was running against the clock. my plan moving abroad and finding my happiness was crumbling

my mom came to visit me in November. she tried to support me as she could as she felt i was desperate. on a gloomy rainy day we were sitting in this same catherdral, Saint-Jean. i was crying my heart out on her shoulder sitting on the church bench, she was trying to cheer me up

after a few days staying with me in Lyon she had to get back on her tourist trip and join her group. i stayed in Lyon till Christmas, and returned to Russia having accomplished nothing. 

now we're back here in 2024. same cathedral, maybe even same bench. Roma together with us. i asked mama to go to the same place as then, almost 15 years ago

it felt quite different this time. the world definitely hasn't become safer, new uncertainties arose with the war. not the best time to dream, but we had to

this time the cathedral was iluminated with the warm rays of summer sunlight, unlike to that grim day on November 2009

i apologized to my mom for that lost opportunity, for having not found the necessary strength back then in 2009. the second chance of moving abroad i was given only almost 10 years later, in 2018. of course, she forgave me, as any loving mother would do. however, we were looking for the sign. and then she pointed at a statue at the back of the nave: there was a massive simmering sunray filtering through the stained glass, falling right on the statue, illuminating it with a blend of warm colors. that was the sign. the godray

suddenly, we felt relief and conciliation. it's so difficult to spare hope in these strange times.. but we must keep it in our hearts